Fawning: When You Cower in Order to Survive
Fight, Flight, Freeze…Fawn?
Everyone’s trauma is different…some of us have little ‘t’ traumas sprinkled throughout lives: schoolyard bullying, broken homes, disappointments in relationship or careers, or diagnoses that make life a little more difficult. Others of us have capital “T” Traumas…terrifying experiences we’ve walked through and barely survived: deadly car accidents or natural disasters, physical abuses, and a host of other serious, harrowing situations that keeps us from sleeping, thinking well, or relating to others in a healthy way. And just as our experienced traumas can range from everyday to once-in-a-lifetime, our trauma responses differ based on what we’ve come through, what we need to do to cope, and who we innately are.
While common responses to trauma include fighting back, fleeing, or simply freezing in fear, another unique response is called “Fawning”. This response causes the trauma victim to simply yield or acquiesce in order to get through their current situation. If survival is the most important goal, those whose natural tendency it is to fawn will pursue it with silence or obedience rather than gathering strength for a conflict. As Pete Walker, a noted trauma therapist notes, “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others.” It’s not that Fawn types don’t understand or desire justice, they simply look for safety first and foremost as a learned path to peace.
The Trauma that Shapes Trauma Response
It is possible to redefine yourself, see yourself as someone worthy of rescue and justice, and gift yourself with the strength to overcome abuse in all forms.
Every trauma response is simply a response to previous trauma. Something or someone helped us build our learned coping styles – this structuring usually happens during our early childhood. People that tend to fawn in response to trauma were typically raised in homes where chaos and insecurity reigned supreme. The easiest route to security for them, including access to basic human needs like sustenance and shelter, was pleasing their guardians and keeping abuse at bay with submission. As adults, fawn types respond to abusive behavior in a similar fashion. Some expected behaviors in adulthood include:
Refusing to meet conflict head-on, avoiding difficult conversations at all costs.
Hiding their voice, never speaking up for themselves or their own needs.
Apologizing far too often.
Not acknowledging their own personal boundaries, sacrificing them for the sake of keeping peace.
Trying to meet every expectation set before them, realistic or not.
Becoming more susceptible to narcissistic abuse because they have difficulty standing up for themselves.
From Fawn to Strong
Discovering that you are a fawn type may be half the battle. If any of these tendencies seem true of you or your response mechanisms, it may be time to seek professional help. You might find that you need to sort out your past trauma and gain fresh perspective on how to handle those who would seek to use or harm you. It is possible to redefine yourself, see yourself as someone worthy of rescue and justice, and gift yourself with the strength to overcome abuse in all forms. You have far more grit within you than you realize. Surviving for as long as you have takes a lot of power…it’s time to start using that power for your good!
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Put It Into Practice
Do you feel panicked when conflict begins?____
Does your gut feel punched? Do your hands begin to sweat? Would you do anything to avoid the hard conversation that is about to happen… including going along with whatever nonsense the other party demands? The first needs to meet are the physical ones your body is warning you about. Calming your central nervous system can go a long way to settling your body and mind so you can see things clearly, strategize a battle plan, and stand up for yourself in conflict.
Practice square breathing
Put a cold compress on your neck to cool your body and refocus your thoughts
Drink some herbal tea to nourish and comfort yourself
Watch a funny video or tell a friend a funny joke to induce laughter therapy and lighten the mood
Pray or meditate
Stretch or go on a short walk
Finding what methods are useful for you will help you create a functional toolbox of helps for the next time you find yourself feeling threatened by conflict.
Other Interesting Reads About Attachment
Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: “Fawn Is The Trauma Response Tied To People-Pleasing and Toxic Relationships — Here’s How To Heal” by Shahida Arabi, M.A.